


my insecurities ( are hurting me )

by smartbuckley



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Phone Calls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:29:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29085399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: ‘Time to take the risk,’ Buck thinks to himself, hitting Eddie’s name and then the cell phone option, placing his phone on speaker as he waits, not quite sure if he’ll get an answer - not just because it’s three in the morning.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 12
Kudos: 224
Collections: 9-1-1 Server Gift Exchange 2020, 9-1-1 Tales





	my insecurities ( are hurting me )

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CaptainSif](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainSif/gifts).



> Written for the person & exchange linked. Enjoy.

Tossing and turning in his bed, Buck looked towards the alarm clock that was on his dresser across the room from him, biting his lower lip in thought as he turned to face his phone after noticing the time. For the past two weeks, he hasn’t been able to sleep, too many thoughts coursing through his mind, too many memories keeping him from staying awake. 

_ ‘Too many mistakes running through my head,’ _ Buck thinks with a frustrated sigh as he picks up his phone off the nightstand, ignoring the flashing lights of his clock, and the pang inside of his chest that echoes when he sees a photo of Eddie and himself.

He misses Eddie like he’s never missed anyone before, misses him like he’s missing a piece of himself, and when the two of them first started dating, that always terrified Buck - that he could lose Eddie and lose himself all within the span of a minute or however long it took to lose the best thing that happened in his life

And now he has lost Eddie, and himself, he thinks. All because of two weeks of mistakes. 

“ _Two weeks of being a dumbass_ ,” he adds quietly to himself with a scowl forming on his face as he scrolls through the conversation thread he had with Eddie, his heart hurting when it suddenly stops just as quickly as their relationship did. With another frustrated sigh, Buck looks at the time once more, wondering if he should bother texting Eddie, or if he should wait in the morning, because he’s not an idiot, he knows that Eddie is probably in a deep sleep right now.

But he needs to hear Eddie’s voice, needs to talk to his --- boyfriend? Buck isn’t sure anymore, not after everything that happened. God, he hopes he can continue to call Eddie his boyfriend. 

_ ‘Time to take the risk _ ,’ Buck thinks to himself, hitting Eddie’s name and then the cell phone option, placing his phone on speaker as he waits, not quite sure if he’ll get an answer - not just because it’s three in the morning.

The phone rings for a few minutes and Buck --- Buck begins to shake his leg, nerves coursing through his entire body as the idea of Eddie not picking up enters his mind - not just because Eddie is sleeping, but because what if Eddie is awake but doesn’t answer anyways? Briefly, Buck remembers their last fight, the words Buck had shouted, and the words Eddie had replied with, and his entire body hurts, remembering how they had walked away from one another in anger and hadn’t looked back in two weeks, even though Buck is positive that Eddie has looked when Buck wasn’t looking - the same way Buck looked, because Buck -- Buck couldn’t look away, no matter how much he wanted to.

He had fucked up with his words, had hurt Eddie in a way that he never thought was possible for him - he had lashed out, had said what he had said in anger, like he was fighting with his parents as a teenager, even though Eddie never made him feel that way.

But this time -- this time he had, and he had lashed out and made things worse between them, and because of that, things were awkward and tense and working on the job with one another was awkward and tense, even if they never let it affect the way they worked  _ together _ .

Because that was so important, Buck can’t help but think with a scoff as he shakes his head and lets out another groan of frustration, rubbing his forehead as the phone continues to ring, and he continues to hang onto the line, hoping.

_ ‘Please just pick up the fucking phone,’  _ Buck thinks, so positive that he should hang up, so positive that he is almost about to hit the end button when the ringing stops and he can hear ---

“Buck?” A small amount of relief courses through Buck as he shifts in his bed, sitting up a little more properly now that Eddie has answered, even when Buck didn’t think he would, not after their last fight.

“Hi,” Buck says after a moment, voice soft as he chews on the inside of his cheek, looking at the photo of the two of them as he tries to figure out what to say next. “I’m an idiot,” Buck adds, shrugging his shoulders even though he knows Eddie can’t see him.

He can hear Eddie shifting on the other line, can hear Eddie let out a breath and a large part of him feels like -- feels like he just woke Eddie up, and Eddie is frustrated with him, and maybe calling Eddie this late was a stupid move, Buck thinks, moving so his knees are bent and his arms are resting on top of them, the light of the moon shining through his floor to ceiling windows.

“It’s late,” Eddie says and Buck closes his eyes, taking a deep breath before he opens them and hums softly.

“I wanted to apologize,” he whispers, fingers tapping out a light rhythm of some song that’s stuck in his head on his knees. He’s not surprised when Eddie doesn’t say anything else, knows he screwed over royally ---

“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Buck,” Eddie says and Buck finds himself frowning, eyes narrowing and eyebrows furrowing, his brain trying to understand what Eddie means by that statement.

“What -- I do. I said --”

“What you said was nothing in comparison to what I said, Buck. You were only reacting and you had every reason to do so,” Eddie interrupts, and there’s something in Eddie’s voice that has Buck still frowning, a shiver coursing through his body as he shifts slightly.

“I don’t---” Buck says before stopping, frowning when he hears his front door opening. Carefully, he removes his blanket from his legs and slides out of his bed, leaning over the railing and blinking in surprise when he spots Eddie placing Chris down on the couch, wrapping the blanket Buck keeps there around Chris in his sleep - Chris, who can sleep like the dead, Buck thinks with a small smile.

“It’s why it took me awhile to answer you. I was driving over,” Eddie says with a shrug of his shoulders before the call is ended and he’s walking up the stairs. Even in the middle of the night, Buck can’t help but notice how good Eddie looks - he’s got a beard growing, which is something Buck didn’t know he liked, and he’s wearing the flannel pj’s Buck bought him for his birthday last year, with a hooded sweater overtop, pockets in front that Eddie has his hands shoved into.

“You were driving ---”

“I was driving over, yeah. To apologize to you. Because I shouldn’t have used your insecurities against you. Especially when you were right in the first place,” Eddie says and Buck finds himself gulping, staring up at Eddie with wide eyes before he lets out a small chuckle, unable to stop himself from slowly sobbing.

He only begins to sob harder when he feels Eddie’s arms wrap around him, Eddie’s body pressed against his own as Eddie slowly drags the two of them back to Buck’s bed. It’s without a second thought that Buck curls into Eddie, let’s the other man run his fingers through Buck’s hair and try his best to quietly calm Buck down with stories whispered to him in the darkness that he can’t really hear, too caught up in his emotions.

“Buck, please tell me you weren’t blaming yourself for this,” Eddie whispers after Buck has finally calmed down enough to no longer be crying, and Buck can’t help but scoff and shake his head, moving his hand away briefly from where it was clutching Eddie’s shirt so he could wipe his eyes away.

“I didn’t know what to do with me,” Buck admits softly, hiding his face into the mattress, hiding the disappointment he feels coursing through him.

“Babe, look at me,” Buck hears Eddie say and after a few minutes he does, looking at Eddie with wide, wet eyes, his heart pounding inside of his chest as Eddie slowly begins to caress Buck’s cheek, a soft and sad smile on his face.

“I need you to stop looking into a mirror and saying everything’s fine when it’s not, alright? I need you to promise that you’ll always go look for help from someone, somewhere, even if it’s not me, or because of me,” Eddie begins and Buck opens his mouth and then closes it when Eddie shakes his head.

“I said things to you that I knew would hurt you. I said things that I knew would make you snap back. I said things that I knew would make you react enough for me to walk away because  _ I was scared _ . No other reason. Everything I said to you wasn’t --- it was a lie, babe.” Eddie says, and Buck finds himself continuing to blink, surprise coursing through him as he tries to understand what it is exactly that Eddie means.

“So, you don’t think I’m too much to handle?” Buck whispers, moving in surprise when Eddie suddenly has his arms wrapped around him once more, his forehead pressed against Buck’s as he shakes his head.

“Never, babe. I never think you’re too much to handle. I love you too much to even think that for one nanosecond,” Eddie says and Buck can’t stop himself from letting out a small laugh, wiping his eyes once more as he wraps his own arms around Eddie’s frame, another laugh escaping from him as he tries to take a few deep breaths.

“You never need to blame yourself, alright? I’m sorry it took so long for me to apologize. I wanted to do so the moment I said the words but ---” Eddie pauses here and Buck looks up at his boyfriend, nodding.

“You were scared. I was scared too. We have lives that are scary, and that day was particularly terrifying,” Buck responds with a snort, briefly remembering the moment where there was a beam on fire, falling down in front of them, and about to hurt the both of them until ---

“Yes, I was scared. That day was scary. But losing you is more terrifying than anything. And I think, thinking that scared me most, Buck. We’ve been best friends for years, but we’ve only been dating for a few months and when that beam was falling ---” Eddie trails off here and Buck finds himself looking at Eddie in confusion before his mind settles, and a piece of himself slots back into place because he knows exactly what Eddie means.

“I know what you mean.” Buck whispers after a few moments, shifting so that his legs are intertwined with Eddie’s.

“I love you, Buck. And I’m sorry I ran away scared. I’m sorry I hurt you with my words, made you feel like you were less than. I never wanted to do that to you. Forgive me?” Eddie whispers and Buck finds himself looking at the clock once more, noticing that it’s just after four in the morning now before he looks back towards Eddie and smiles, nodding his head, before leaning forward and kissing him lightly. He can feel Eddie’s fingers in his hair, bringing him closer and Buck let’s himself get lost in the kiss, knowing that for their first fight -- it could have been a lot worse, and at least now everything is cleared, and the air doesn’t feel as suffocating as it did without Eddie by his side.

“I love you too,” Buck whispers after pulling away, closing his eyes and falling into a comfortable sleep for the first time since the two had their fight, feeling calm and like nothing wrong could go on in the world with Eddie beside him.

And when he wakes up in the morning to Chris jumping on his bed - everything will be perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Sif - I'm pretty sure this isn't what you really wanted in the prompt you provided, but when I listened to the song, my mind went into a kind of, different direction. I hope you enjoyed reading the story regardless.
> 
> \----
> 
> Please comment. I respond to every comment I receive. Hope whoever else reads this enjoyed it too. If I forgot triggers or something, let me know.


End file.
